Exclusion Orders Until The Child Turns 18

Posted: March 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

Have you been removed from your child’s life?

This has been my experience of family breakdown. I know that although it has been almost six years now that I still deal with my grief on a daily basis.

After the Family Court gave me the Parental Rights and before I lost my child to DoCS and then back to Family Court to sign off on being "Excluded From The Child's Life"

After the Family Court gave me the Parental Rights and before I lost my child to DoCS and then back to Family Court to sign off on being “Excluded From The Child’s Life”

The problem here is that I am grieving for someone who is alive, and I am grieving for my family that was.

It has been a long struggle to get to the place of accepting what happened, accepting does not mean that I have to stop the conversation though and only through conversation will people see any ideas about changing these systems that are causing a multitude of societal problems.

This was me trying to explain to my daughter why I am not allowed to see her. It was a lucky coincidence to be driving down a country road and see her, my friend insisted I say hello to my child, and turned the car around. It is up to her father if I can see her, my daughter asked me "mum where ya been"? It was hard to explain to an 8 year old that a court said I am not allow to see her, I did though, and she responded with "you have to go to supervised access if you want to see me". I tried and was told there was a year long waiting list for Relationships Australia.

This was me trying to explain to my daughter why I am not allowed to see her. It was a lucky coincidence to be driving down a country road and see her, my friend insisted I say hello to my child, and turned the car around. It is up to her father if I can see her, my daughter asked me “mum where ya been”? It was hard to explain to an 8 year old that a court said I am not allow to see her, I did though, and she responded with “you have to go to supervised access if you want to see me”. I tried and was told there was a year long waiting list for Relationships Australia.

This is our responsibility as people who have been involved with these government systems and agencies and the Non Government and Religious Non Government Sectors that have our lives in their funded hands.

If we don’t explain our dissatisfaction with the behaviour of the government and it’s Justice Departments, then we comply with what is done in “The Best Interests Of The Child”.

Relationships Australia did nothing to help me see my child, in fact they would be charging me for the service, and I lived in Grafton NSW, and my child was taken away to live in Brisbane, QLD.

It has taken me years of self work to get to a stage where I am functioning properly that I could take myself off to Brisbane, a city I didn’t know well at the time. When I did finally move to Brisbane to see my daughter, it was the end of 2012.

I went to see Legal Aid, a very nice lawyer explained to me that I was no longer in NSW and the NSW Department of Community Services did not have any legal say in DoCS QLD.

He told me legally I could go visit my child at her school if I knew where it was. Although after what had happened I did not have the guts to do that.

In the end what the Order means is that my daughters father has “Full Parental Control”.

I was glad my friend turned my car around to see my daughter that day because it has been the only contact in six years, except for one other very special day.

The last time I received a phone call from Relationships Australia was in May 2014 at the time I received that call I was marching down the main street of Brisbane with Mary Moore at the National Day of Action, Brisbane Sorry Day Protests.

Relationships Australia is an Anglican Non Government Tax Free Organisation, the people working there supervise Australian people, who pay for the service to sit with their own biological children, and get told by the supervisor what they can and can’t say to a child.

My journey with them began at Coffs Harbour when I asked for assistance with the abuse perpetrator for the child change overs, they did not help me, and my oldest daughter was with me on the day I had my appointment with them and explained what was happening at change overs to the Manager there.

Then DoCS referred me to the Upper Mount Gravatt QLD, Relationships Australia Office for supervision, I was far to sick to get to that appointment, with not enough money to survive after spending everything to get to supervised park visits in November and December 2009.

DoCS offered one hundred dollars for petrol to get there but it would not have got me back to where I lived at the time. Back to the home I had attempted to make for my children after leaving Domestic Violence and then going through Family Courts to see my beautiful daughter again. It was a second rental in a few short years and I ended up being told to leave anyway because of all this trouble.

I was also heavily medicated on a substance that I am allergic to, because the process and the abuse still going on then had seen me Scheduled to a mental health ward in the Coffs Harbour Hospital. I thought it was just me back then, but now, healthier and more internet savvy, I know this is also common practice for people like me, going through these systems.

Park visits and my friend who helped me. Grace was taken three weeks after I was beaten in the street of a country town by a group of teenage thugs. I received multiply injuries.

Park visits and my friend who helped me. Grace was taken three weeks after I was beaten in the street of a country town by a group of teenage thugs. I received multiply injuries.

What I faced after leaving my partner of five years and having to leave my baby behind was a barrage of discrimination practises, volumes of medical, psychological and legal abuse, and a road I wish I did not have to travel. This is all told from a very truthful perspective. The most horrible truth and eventuating circumstance is that I am excluded from my childs life.

The following article by Dr. Barbara Steinberg comes from a psychological perspective and talks about becoming an activist for change and speaking up about the system that you blame for your issues. It also gives you greater perspective on how others see the issue of exclusion from the childs life.

Grief and Ongoing Pain in Parents
Dealing with Alienation

Q: A parent who has been alienated from his or her child’s life experiences extreme loss. Often we are asked by a targeted parent, “How do I deal with his on-going pain?”

Defining the problem

A: First, know that you are not alone. There are others, both mothers and fathers, who have similar experiences, and who are in deep agony over the loss of contact and meaningful relationship with their children.

Second, know that you are not crazy. In our culture we are not encouraged to experience our grief. We are taught to be strong, to rise above it, to tough it out, to get over it and get on with life. Sometimes that is wise counsel if we linger in our pain, and our outrage becomes the complete focus of our life affecting our work, our social life and our spirit. However, the loss of a child whether by death or by exclusion from that child’s life is beyond the realm of most parents’ ability to cope.

In the beginning of an alienation process, we believe, as parents, this is not really happening. We deny that the other parent of our child is capable of these vengeful acts, and we choose not to believe our child, whom we love deeply, would ever treat us in such a hurtful ways. Denial is the strongest emotional defense mechanism we have at our disposal, and it is the one on which we rely the most. For most parents, because they truly want contact and relationship with their child, their denial does not hold up under time or with the reality of the disconnection they experience.

Third, many parents feel confusion, which suggests they are not able to identify and process the bunch of emotions; they are experiencing in their gut. Usually, these can be separated into feelings of deep sadness, intense anger, extreme outrage, and desperate blame. To keep from being overwhelmed by this internal “bucket of worms,” many parents detach from the situation that they believe is an act of self-preservation. Some bargain with them using the following logic, “My child will get what’s happened when he/she turns eighteen so I’ll just wait.” Both strategies are akin to whistling in the dark.

Fourth, targeted parents want to know how to deal with these strong emotions in healthy ways because if allowed to remain unreleased, they often gain a life of their own and emerge at inappropriate and inopportune times toward others who do not understand or deserve the depth and intensity of the feeling. Sometimes, these emotions are held internally. In an attempt to self-medicate the resulting pain, the targeted parent turns to addictive behaviors or substances. Eventually, if strong emotions are held internally for a long period of time, they can convert into physical problems, which plague the individual for the remainder of his/her life.

So the dilemma remains, what do I do with my pain? Keeping a journal or diary is helpful, but strong emotions require active self-interventions. Many parents report feeling relief from their deep sadness by allowing themselves to cry and scream. If you believe this might assist you in your process, to avoid embarrassment, it is wise to isolate yourself perhaps in a quiet, natural place so you can grieve in an unrestrained and unobserved way. It is also helpful to take a sequence of your child’s pictures so you can activate your feelings of loss.

Intense anger is a physical activator so you will need to participate in a focused activity such as bowling, driving golf balls at a range or hitting balls in a batting cage. A less expensive approach is throwing ice cubes at a sturdy wall, an activity, that parents report, gives a sense of relief and release from ever tightening bands of anger.

Outrage describes a parent who feels misunderstood so there needs to be some attention paid to “telling your story.” The problem is finding a receptive listener who has the patience and energy to hear the saga of hurt, frustration and humiliation more than once. Targeted parents can tell their story into a small tape recorder; they can write their story by hand into a journal, a loose-leaf notebook or a diary. They can use a word processor and store it on computer disc, or if they are creatively inclined, they can write poems to their children. Some parents have already published their story in books and poetry.

Of importance here is the intention to alleviate the outrage of misunderstanding that, as a parent, you are unimportant, even nonessential in your child’s life. Also, it is important that you be heard, and that you remind yourself that you are still a parent by keeping your child’s pictures around you. Another approach is to involve yourself in the parenting role with other children as a Godparent, as an involved uncle or aunt, as a Big Brother or Big Sister. Validating yourself as a parent can go a long way to heal feelings of outrage.

Finally, desperate blame is probably the most difficult bereavement issue to process. Some blame is justifiable: the other parent, the other parent’s family, the legal and social services system, your child, yourself.

Solving the problem

However, the only one under your jurisdiction of control is yourself so this is the part that you work with in three separate ways. First, it is critical, regardless of the attitude and reception from the other parent, from the other parent’s family and from your child that you stay in positive contact with them. Civility and cordiality in face-to-face contact is essential regardless of what is said in your presence or behind your back. In addition, sending your child cards, letters and little packages on unimportant days is appropriate. Also, communicating with your child by telephone, by e-mail and by facsimile can be effective. If you have completely lost contact with your child, then set your priority to find him/her and restore contact at least by distance. If this is impossible, then collect items and memorabilia in a special box or trunk reserved for your child and the possibility of future contact.

Second, become active as a citizen for positive change, and learn about the strengths and weaknesses of the system you blame for preventing you from having parenting opportunities with your child. This action may not change the disposition of your situation, but you may make the system a better place for other targeted parents and their children.

Third, for your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your child, it is imperative that you forgive the other parent. Notice there was no mention of forgetting what has happened, or how you have been treated, but again, for restoring your emotional balance and your ability to cope with life challenges in healthy ways, you will need to forgive the alienator. For some, this is a spiritual journey, and for others the path is a secular one. What is important is that you go about this process in a unique way that you believe will work for you so the specter of losing your child is diminished, and your health and well being are in restoration.

By Dr. Barbara Steinberg

 

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/grief-by-dr-steinberg.html

Advertisements
Comments
  1. […] Exclusion Orders Until The Child Turns 18. […]

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Create the change you want to see in the world by using your voting power at the upcoming NSW State Elections.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s